Life

How many times have I said this..... I am a blogger in my head all the time and somehow can't get it down here.  But I want to blog, and I should find the time.
You know what happened, Facebook.  Yucky evil, time sucking Facebook.  For so long I was able to stay away.  But then I got on.  And all the posts about kids accomplishments, the ones I didn't want to become a part of, I did.  And sometimes I feel guilty, but sometimes I don't.
But truly I want my blog not to be about  "look, this is what my kids did!"  I want it to be about real life.  And at my house, real life is not always about accomplishments, but hardships, struggles, arguments, tears, questions, doubt.  That's our reality, always.....

So on that note, my kids are still swimmers.  And it only gets harder and more competitive.  And as a parent, it only brings up more questions.  Are we doing the right thing?  is this the best for our kids?  What do we want them to accomplish?  What do they want to accomplish?  So so many questions, with so so many "not" answers.  I don't know.  I don't know.  And it stinks not knowing.  But that is our reality.

So this is a big swim meet weekend.  And I was trying to talk to my oldest last night.  And he was scared, and we are scared, and I  did not have the words.  And the parent in me failed.  I felt awful.  So I wrote this letter to my son, e mailed it to him, because he is 13 and I knew he would look at his phone this morning.

This is our reality......

Dear Jack,
I tried to talk to you about swimming and I guess I failed.  What I
didn't say is that you are still a child,  participating in super
competitive athletics like an adult.  And we, dad and myself, cannot
possibly tell you, "don't worry about it, times don't matter, it's
OK," because you practice like a maniac.  You only go to school and
swim.  And the bottom line is in your world, times matter, and define
you, and your self worth.  And I get that, I really do.  And it breaks
my heart, because you are so much more than a swim time.  You are my
Jack.   And we see you as a person, completely unrelated to times.  We
see you as a brilliant, kind, sweet, compassionate, driven kid with
everything in the world ahead of him.  Swimming or no swimming, you
will be amazing.  You are  your own worst enemy and adversary.  But
truly your coach will see you as more than a meet time.  He will see
your dedication, positiveness, energy, and he will know your
greatness.
So matter what happens, you hold your head high, and know how
wonderful you are, and how much you are loved.


So all I can do is hug my child, say I love you and yell at the swim meet like a crazy parent that I am.